The first couple weeks after he proposed were torturous for me. If I'm being honest, I will admit that I was somewhat terrified of being married. I felt too young, completely unprepared and so inexperienced. I grew up an only child and over the years I developed a life-changing bond with my my parents, so much so that I was afraid to leave. When the time came for me to go off to college, my family just moved closer to San Marcos where I attend Cal State San Marcos so that we could "save money" by avoiding the expenses of me moving out but the real reason was that none of us were ready for me to move on.
So when New Years Eve came around and my hubby dropped to one knee to ask me the question of my dreams, I panicked. We laughed and kissed and smiled and shared one of the best moments of our life together but on the inside I was FREAKING OUT. That night I laid in bed studying the beautiful ring he tried slipping on my finger (three sizes too small, nice try though handsome!) for hours and as I studied it the panic got worse and worse. I cried and worried and wondered and prayed. I remember journaling about it and thinking 'I should be SO happy! What is wrong with me?'! The fear of the unknown came over me and my insecurities were stronger than ever.. An eight month engagement didn't seem long enough for me to prepare myself to be a wife.
The thought of transitioning into marriage seemed like such a daunting task for some reason! I was so scared that I wouldn't be a good wife. I felt too immature, too naive, too unlike Christ. I wanted to be done with college. I wanted to have some experience of living on my own under my belt. I wanted to have money saved up, to own my own car, to know how to cook better, to have listened more when my mom explained how to wash delicate items... this list went on forever. So many random fears, big and small cluttered my mind as our wedding day approached.
But then our wedding day came and we stood at that alter and I sobbed my way through those vows "In sickness and in health... For better, for worse". I promised him those words with every ounce of sincerity within me but it wasn't until months into our marriage that they really meant something to me. This is when everything changed. The moment I realized that I could fail and still be loved unconditionally.. The moment I found freedom.
I found freedom when I failed and Erick was gracious with me, told me it was fine and encourage me when I expected him to be disappointed with me. Like when I burnt our flank steaks so bad one night it was worse then beef jerky and he told me it was great and finished his whole plate and some of mine. Or the day I put the laundry in the dryer on high and shrunk half of his T-shirts and just laughed it off making some joke about how I'm trying to make a new men's crop top fad.
Every worry and concern I had about marriage dissipated when I discovered the freedom that I have found in my amazing husband. He gives me freedom to be myself and to make mistakes along the way. He is patient, gentle and understanding. And yet he is also firm morally, he speaks the truth in love keeping me accountable to the gospel of truth and is an unwavering spiritual leader in this home.
I couldn't have been blessed with a better husband. You have taught me so much this past year and there is nothing I could ever do to repay you for everything that you are to me. I love you more than anything Erick Lee!
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